In recent years, I've come to discover that our society is starting to be built on the wrong kinds of stepping stones. Too much of our country's men and women are obsessed with "bigger", "better", "faster", "thinner"....to what avail? To teach our children that getting what we want is quick, easy and painless? Do we want our children to grow up spoiled and having everything handed to them, or do we want them to grow up with solid morals in working for what they want?
Two years ago, I REALLY wanted to lose weight. Like, BADLY. I was just reaching the 1 -year mark of breastfeeding my youngest daughter, and was SO ready to not be a milk-machine anymore. I'd gained 60 pounds while pregnant with her (yes, no hold-backs on food did this to me. Lol), and while I'd lost a good portion of it during breast-feeding, I was still very much overweight.
My husband returned from Afghanistan on his R&R about 6 months into his 12-month tour. My "plan" was to work out, lose weight, and be his hot momma when he came home. Six months in, I'd done nothing to attain this. I saw photos of us together during his leave, and was ashamed of my lack in dedication and motivation. I wanted to lose weight, and fast.
I learned about phentermine through word of mouth. I found a doctor in my area that prescribed it, and let my health insurance company know I was switching doctors. When I went to see him, I expressed my weight concerns, and it took NO time (or convincing) what-so-ever for him to decide that the fix was phentermine.
I was given the pills after having a very detailed physical (I got an EKG, blood work, the whole 9 yards), but I got NO nutritional guidance aside from "Go on the Special K diet". <-YUCK! My doctor never recognized me from one appointment to the next. I was really there just to lose the weight without any strings attached. What phentermine did for me right away was give me cotton-mouth and unimaginable energy. I was so hyped up on energy that I had massive jitters. I became ruthlessly active with doing whatever I could to expell some of that energy. My mom (I stayed with my mom during the deployment) was loving that she'd come home to the sides of her house scrubbed down, or all of her cars getting washed. Eventually, I started incorporating P90X into the mix, because there was only so many times I could wash the house/cars. Haha. I dabbled in the workouts, but again, wasn't totally committed. I didn't have a goal besides, "Lose all the weight having children has brought upon me."
Something else phentermine did was take away any inclination that I was hungry. No stomach rumbles, no mental reminders that I needed to eat something, and when I did make myself eat, there was no "pleasure" from it. The good tasting food wasn't the same. So because it took the joy out of eating, I ate better foods because it didn't matter to me either way. It wasn't until I had no desire for food that I realized how much my every day was consumed with thinking about food. But see, here's the downside to that. Because my hunger had dissipated, I had to set alarms for myself to feed my kids, or else I'd forget it was meal time. I was never in the mood to cook anymore because there was no desire to EAT the food I would make after I was done. It was pointless work to me. On any GOOD day, I'd eat about 500 calories, and even that felt like too much. I was losing about a pound a day at some points, but I now know I was losing just as much muscle as I was losing fat.
I was what is commonly known as "skinny fat". I may have been losing weight, but I wasn't eating enough to sustain any muscle in my body, so my body was still made up of fat. I had no muscle definition. I was just losing flab. I'd gotten down to a size 7 jeans (from a 14). A size that I never fit in even when I was in high school. Basically, I was anorexic, with a prescription from a doctor to do so.
Is THIS what we want our children to grow up thinking is okay?? I am EMBARASSED to admit that I went to such extremes to lose weight, and I was MORTIFIED with how badly I'd let myself get after getting off the pills. I slipped into a deep depression, and I felt like the world was weighing on my shoulders. I felt like I'd disappointed everyone in my life, and yes, it got to the point where the will to live was hanging on by a thread. I needed help, and the many various drugs that were being prescribed to me in therapy weren't cutting it.
I had to fix my inner demons, and dig into the root of what was the cause of my weight gain. It had nothing to do with child-bearing. It was all ME. I had self-doubt, self-loathing, and quite frankly, a tremendous amount of self-hate. The minute I stepped up to FACE my problems, a veil was lifted from my eyes. I started to see myself for what I was. I was still very much broken, but the ability to heal was now present. I quickly recognized that I did not like the easily predictable "failure" I'd become, and decided to change it. I created new goals that revolved around being a role model for my kids, being a supportive and productive wife, being an inspiration to others.....I want to BE the change I wish to see in my family, in my community, in our world.
Which leads me to today's status message on my Facebook pages.
A "quick-fix" earns you nothing. You MUST push through the grueling work part of losing weight in order to reap long term benefits. There is simply no other way to build your self-esteem, self-respect and self-discipline any better than doing it the hard way. You will be a MUCH stronger person because of it!
People look at these words and think, "Eh, my self esteem is just fine". I disagree. There is ALWAYS room for improvement, and improvement can be as simple as taking care of yourself. It will NOT be an easy road, and quite frankly, who wants to walk their life down easy roads all the time? You get absolutely no sustainable rewards from "easy". But when you bust your ass to make the seconds in your day count, you will find that the hard road is ALWAYS worth the benefits reaped. "You reap what you sow", "I didn't say it was going to be easy. I said it was going to be worth it," "You get what you pay for". ALL of these apply! ALL of these aren't said for the speaker's health! It is said because it is tried and true and repeated for YOUR benefit.
Anyway, I hope you all gained something from my humiliation. I am sharing this with you now because I have come to learn that my past mistakes are lessons learned and that they should be shared so that when the going gets rough, YOU guys know what the crappy alternatives are. Fight through your own negativity, and give that bitch the boot!