I don't know exactly what's changed inside of me. All I know is that I've prayed to have this kind of determination for many many months, and it is finally here. I owe much thanks to the Lord for this, but at the same time, I know that a LOT of it has to do with my WANT to change. Let me tell you about my week last week.
Last week, I woke up every morning, walked straight into my bathroom, had my ritualistic toilet visit, brushed my teeth, washed my face, and after all was done, I'd step back and take a good look at myself. There was no denying the fact that what I was seeing, I hated. It absoLUTEly repulsed me. I could not BELIEVE how far I've let myself go.
Just a year and a half ago, I was on the fast track to bettering my LIFE! My husband came home from his deployment, and I was a good 6 months into my workout routine, and I'd gotten down from 175 pounds to 145. I was 10 pounds away from my first realistic goal. And then something happened. I fell back into old habits. I felt bad that my husband was deprived of some of his favorite meals while he was away, and I started doing what I tend to do too much. I started loving him with food. Now I don't want to toot my own horn here, but yes, I'm a decent cook. Sometimes I make some things that seriously shock myself. I love food. But the mistake I'm making is that I have been making the WRONG KINDS of foods. And while it's okay to indulge once in a while, I've been indulging on a daily basis. But I digress.
So I started making all these fried foods, and sweet foods, and just plain clog up your arteries kinds of foods. My husband put on 30 pounds within 3 months of him returning home. And so did I. All that work, those 6 months of slaving away on portion sizes and P90X, was gone in 3 months. But I didn't stop there. My husband started getting back into the gym swing of things with some friends. I met some friends and tried working out with them, but between sick kids, sick mommies, not wanting to meet, running out of gas in the car, not having any money to fill it up, etc, the "plan" faded. I gave up. I got so low in the dumps, I started sleeping in until ridiculous times of the day. I didn't want to get out of bed. In my mind, I was thinking, "What's the point? Today is just another day where I don't do anything besides what's expected of me, and I just don't feel like it." I just don't feel like it. How many times have you said this to yourself when it came to doing something that you KNOW is good for you. That you know would benefit your life so incredibly, yet you deny yourself this gift? Let me tell you something that had better knock a little sense into you....YOU-ARE-WORTH-IT! You are! I don't care who makes you think you aren't good enough or pretty enough or strong enough. Even if that person is YOU! Tell these people to STOP telling you you can't and start thinking you CAN. You are STRONGER than you think you are. It is buried in there. I know it. You know how I know? Because I'm getting a glimpse of it myself. I was the epitome of self-loathing, self-pity, and if you stuck a zip code on my butt, I could be called the Capital of Excuses. Trust me. I was THAT girl. Maybe people saw me as funny and happy-go-lucky. That was my camouflage, and it has been for many years. I had to develop a mechanism to hide my pain, and I've become an expert at using it. Don't be like me. If you're the one bringing yourself down, telling yourself you can't do it, prove yourself wrong.
So anyway, back to last week. I stepped on the scale after taking a good harsh look at myself, and I clocked in at 198 pounds. The heaviest I've ever been was maybe 215, but I was 9 month pregnant at the time, and even then, I cried once I went over 200. I'd vowed to never be over 200, no excuses, and here I was (even though I was pregnant), breaking my promise to myself. Was there any excuse for THIS?? Being 2 pounds away from breaking my promise again?? No, there wasn't. Absolutely no excuse. There were reasons for it, and once I started playing those reasons in my head, I got filled with rage. And then four days ago, this woman I'd been following on Facebook for many months now, made a post. She said, "Tired of making excuses for not achieving your health & fitness goals? Message me, lets chat!" I was so there. So tired of my excuses. So tired of my failures. I wanted to change, I NEEDED to change. I hated the way I felt, the way I dreaded going out in public. I hated feeling like just the sight of me was an embarassment to my husband, to my family. To me. I stopped wearing make up because I thought to myself, "What's the point? Make-up won't cover up the fat, and the fat makes me ugly." All of my clothes stopped fitting right. There was no more covering up the developed pudge that just kept getting bigger. No more hiding what was becoming of me.
YOU don't need to hide like I did. Come out from behind your shells and make something of yourself. Make the change. If you don't decide to do it now, when is it going to be a good enough time for you? When it's too late? When you're sick? When you're dying? When you're DEAD? Stop putting it off and start putting yourself back together! I am, and let me tell you....I've never been this happy in YEARS!
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